The Long Road Going Nowhere

“A year from now you will wish you had started today”

Karen Lamb

Content Warning

Yes I’m afraid I have to start with another one of these. Some of the topics I will discuss here go to dark places. If you are affected by any topics concerning self harm, suicidal thoughts and other horrible things then be wary that some of them will be discussed here.

A Whole Goddamn Year!

Yes unfortunately it has been just over a year since I published any posts on this damn site and I am going to do my best to try to fix that. I can’t promise I’ll stick to anything because I would just be lying to myself let alone anyone else. My current (ambitious) plan is try to get something written and ready to publish once a week, it’s a big jump from once a year but I have semi-recovered from the last year and I want to make an improvement somehow.

So with this post I am going to bore you to death with some of the events of the last year, mainly to give myself an excuse as to why I haven’t done anything with that time.

As I have discussed before I have several mental health ailments and in the last year my physical health has also been my enemy and I’ll be writing about that to. I will give you all a big spoiler and say that most of the issues discussed in this are being dealt with and I’m doing a lot better. Strap yourselves in.

A Green World

One day I woke up with a nosebleed and didn’t think much of it, but then it happened again and again for several weeks. I would also get random nose bleeds throughout the day. After a few days I noticed that it wasn’t really blood, there was some blood involved but it was more of a dark pink fluid far thick than blood. But it’s what came next that was more worrying and it may be one of the strangest things I’ve ever experienced (while sober at least). About a week into waking up with nosebleeds I started to see everything with a green tinge as I woke up.

Green vision
This is the closest I can find to what I mean

Anything that wasn’t very dark in colour suddenly turned into (or became heavily tinted by) this bizarre shade of green. From my own hands to the walls, bed sheets, curtains and other stuff in the bedroom and house. This would last anywhere up to 15 minutes and apart from being strange, it was also very worrying. This was obviously not normal.

Cut to several doctors, opticians, consultants, an MRI scan (which took nearly two hours), tests, scans and other stuff later. I was shown a scan of my brain and it was clear straight away that there was something amiss. It looked like a part of my brain just wasn’t there, not a massive bit mind. But it was clear that something was up. It turns out that a part of my brain was being compressed into the rest of it by excess brain fluid that wasn’t being drained/disposed of properly.

The solution to this would be to have a Lumbar Puncture to drain some of the excess fluid and hopefully the problem will stop there. The good news I have not been rushed in for this procedure as of time of writing and it has been several months since the diagnosis so it can’t be that bad since they clearly aren’t that worried about it.

As of now my symptoms have practically vanished except for ones that have been occurring for years so they probably aren’t related. These include seizures, migraines, vomiting, over tiredness, bad balance and other lovely things I have had for a long time. As you can see, I’m a very healthy individual.

I’m not gonna sugar coat it, I was fucking terrified while all this was going on. Talk of brain tumours and the like is never a good thing and unfortunately it is not the first time I have had to deal with such talk. This massively impacted my mental health and mood for a long time and probably still is to this day as it is unresolved. For a long time I was basically a paranoid zombie, unable to do anything, constantly panicking at any slight headache and constantly checking for nosebleeds.

Something great did happen during all of this. I wasn’t the only one worried during all of this of course, but my brother took it one step further. I got sent a collection code one day during all of this and told to go to the Argos in my local Sainsbury’s. I asked him what stupid thing has he done now, and when I got there it turns out he had bought me one of these.

Nintendo Switch
He may be an idiot, but I love him

Yes my brother had gone and bought me a Nintendo Switch to play on while I was going back and for between appointments. When I asked him “What did you go and do that for you idiot” I received what is quite possibly the best thing anyone has ever said to me and it gives you a real insight into our relationship and our dark sense of humour.

“Well you could be dead any day, and then it’s mine”

My brother, 2018

I think that’s a good point to leave this part on. But hey, speaking of my brother.

My Brother Plummets To Earth

So towards the end of the year after a big let down by the mental health services (more on that later), I got a phone call from my father that my brother was in hospital after falling from a roof at work. He was working on a building site and wasn’t provided a safety harness and the industrial bean bags that were meant to be there in case someone did fall were absent. Obviously this was a major breach of health and safety regulations and my brother almost died.

He was bleeding profusely from both wrists, as the bones broke and splintered they had severed several nerves and veins. He had taken a massive blow to the head but luckily his helmet did take a lot of the impact, but the helmet was practically shattered and he still had a gash on the head and was bleeding from that to. Both arms were broken and damaged in places and one of his shoulders was badly damaged.

I have seen the X-Rays of these wounds and even though I will not share them here I can promise you they are not a pretty sight, my brothers arms and wrists are now covered in scars from the accident. Again I will not share the details but I think it is obvious anyway, my brothers mental health was severely damaged as a result of this accident and he is still facing repercussions now.

I went home to help look after my brother to the best of my ability. I was there for a few weeks but unfortunately had to return prematurely due to some unpleasant events but I’m glad to say that those events have been resolved.

This whole thing is pretty much dealt with now, my brother is out of cast and slowly recovering, he still has some numbness in one of hands but is working to build up his strength again. It is nothing short of a miracle he wasn’t killed, let alone not being permanently disabled in some way and again I can’t/won’t share any details but obviously this is all being dealt with legally as well.

Apologies for being vague and not sharing much in this section, but it isn’t my place to share some of the finer details of these events and I hope you understand. Anyway, remember I mentioned I was let down by the mental health services well…

Sometimes Getting Help Is No Help At All

So late 2017 I was starting to get a lot of help and I was making some progress in regards to my mental health (you can read about it here if you like). Unfortunately the honeymoon didn’t last long, I still found some of the techniques and talking therapy I got useful but unfortunately it came to an end sooner than I would’ve like.

Yes unfortunately after the first quarter of 2018 all my services were suddenly terminated. My OT (Occupational Therapist) was moving away (obviously not her fault) and I wasn’t going to get a replacement or be renewed into that service at that time. My actual Therapy sessions came to an end prematurely, we were meant to carry on after I returned from helping my brother but alas it wasn’t meant to be. They still counted the sessions from when I was gone (4 all together) so when I got back I only had two sessions left.

During the therapy we had discussed a lot of topics, from childhood bullying to having my seizures and being forced out of university (I will get round to writing up these events at some point). But perhaps the biggest kick in the balls was that during the sessions I had disclosed to the Therapist something from my past that I had not mentioned to anyone, I only told my partner of ten years about it the day before I was to tell the Therapist.

I won’t lie to you, when I started writing out this post one of the headers I use to separate sections was “A 13 year Old Secret”. I was going to talk about it but I cannot bring myself to at this time and I apologise but hope you understand. Currently only three people are aware of these events (including myself) and I am not in a place where I can discuss this publicly yet.

So anyway, I talked about this with the Therapist for ONE session. I didn’t want to bring it up at the following session so we didn’t talk about it, then I had to go home to help my brother. No one is at fault here, but with only two sessions left we focused on current events and this event was now fresh in my mind. Having not told anyone about it for thirteen years and burying it in the interim, talking about it brought it all back and to this day I am still having nightmares about it frequently. At the time of writing there is nothing in place to help me deal with it, it has not been a fun few months.

At the same time, when my Therapist dropped me my Psychologist decided that “Well she is not seeing you anymore, so neither will I”. I can understand the logic involved, but nobody responded to my calls to try and intervene and all the decisions were taken out of my hands. So in the space of about four weeks I went from having help from three sources to zero help. This massively impacted my life in a really bad way and I was struggling to cope consciously and as I’ll take about next time, I wasn’t doing great subconsciously either.

Freddie Kruger Ain’t Got Shit

I have decided to remove this section and make it its own post. The reason for this is that even though this post is trying to explain the state of my mental health it got dark real fast. The point of this post is explaining that I am trying to do better and as the contents in this section were things that are still going on it didn’t fit. So this section will be published next week (It is now live here).

Our Princess Went To Another Castle

I have mentioned before that for my 28th birthday (2017) we got this lovely creature.

She always looked a bit worried

We got ourselves a cat and we named her Zelda (we are nerds after all). She was a quiet little thing and took a while to settle in. She loved sleeping in the bed with people and she drooled when she was happy or excited, we loved her very much and she was our little bear (my partner kept calling her that). But I’m sure you can tell where this is going.

We didn’t even have her for a year, she had gotten a chest cold but it had mutated (1 in 5000 chance, lucky us) and was now constantly filling her chest with fluid and it was clear she wasn’t going to survive this.

About a week before all this trouble started we were due to give her a tablet she was to have once a year (general immune system stuff) as I was the one who usually dealt with the medication stuff I gave her the tablet hidden in some chicken.

What I didn’t realise is that we had bought the wrong tablet, it was for dogs. For the next couple of days she was very lethargic and drained of all energy and I felt extremely guilty but the Vet told us that it wouldn’t be a problem and she would be fine in a couple of days and luckily she was. But then she got that chest cold and later died.

I have been reassured by friends, family and Vets who know what they are talking about that the chest cold had nothing to do with the tablet mix up. But there was, is and always will be a part of my brain that is 100% convinced that I killed our cat. We all loved her so much, the house feels empty without her and I am convinced that it was my doing. My partner and other people who might read this will reassure me again but it will never go away, this feeling that I killed our Zelda.

Happy New Year!

So yeh, it’s been one hell of a year. I am happy to say that I am doing much better now and to go back to the whole point of this post, that year is done with and I am going to try and do better. I want to get some control back in my life and push to get better, even if it’s just a small bit. I am now trying to write when I can, I want to try and get back into recording some stuff for YouTube and I want to work on some projects I’ve had for a while.

Most importantly (and I hate to get all gooey on you) I want to try and love myself again, I have hated myself for so long and my self-esteem is in tatters. It’s time to try and do something about that, hopefully I won’t be back here again in a years time with more bad news and reasons why I haven’t done much.

If you or anyone you know is struggling with mental health then please please please don’t suffer alone. Use the NHS service finder to find your local mental health services, ring the Samaritans or talk to your GP. One of the worst things about mental health problems is feeling that you are alone and if there’s one thing I can guarantee you, it’s that you’re not.

Take care yourselves out there and hopefully you will hear more happy things from me soon.


Bonus Video

Here’s a great song that says “fuck” a lot, enjoy.

2 thoughts on “The Long Road Going Nowhere

Add yours

  1. Ok so, I imagine this is going to be the longest ass comment ever but I have so much to say in response to this post – both generally and specifically. First, thank you for writing this and being so honest. Opening up like this is such a difficult thing to do and it can be so difficult to do, so I’m glad (in a way even though it was bad news which obviously is bad!) to be able to read and understand a little bit more about what’s been happening over the past year. I know things have been unbelievably difficult for you for a long time now and I’m really glad that you’re still here, and I’m here to support you!

    I’m also heartbroken over all of the bad shit that’s been happening to you – you honestly deserve for things to be so much better than they are and it makes me furious reading about the way you have been treated by support services who have been 100% negligent in their care towards you. Both myself and Tom have done health care advocacy in the past so if you need any support or advice please let me know because the way you have been treated isn’t right at all and there should be repercussions AND SUPPORT offered.

    In regards to the thing with Zelda, I can empathise with you so much in how you feel and I know that people will try to reassure you but for a long time you will be convinced it’s your fault. My dog that I had before Achilles ended up dying a few years ago and to this day I’m still convinced it was my fault, and that if I hadn’t of fucked up he would still be alive. Although I *know* it wasn’t my fault and everything that happened was just a disastrous series of events, its still difficult to deal with when I know I did something wrong which may/may not have contributed to him passing away. We’ve both made mistakes but I know that neither of us contributed to either of their deaths, hopefully it’s something we can both truly come to terms with one day and believe the reassurement from everyone.

    And again, super empathise with you on basically everything you said re: mental health and self-esteem. I’m very fortunate in that over the past 1-2 years my MH has really settled down with the help of medication and stable life circumstances. I’m not very open about it anymore because I find it difficult to talk about but I had severe depression for 10 years, have been hospitalized for attempted suicide and SH, and have basically been battling those demons ever since. I think people find it hard to understand/believe with me because people see the things that I have been able to do (Nine Worlds, writing, uni, etc) and I guess I seem fairly well-adjusted that it surprises people to know that I have such a dark past. Thankfully, I’ve been on a very good roll since leaving my job in September and going back to uni but there are certain things that I still haven’t dealt with, low self-esteem and self-hate being the biggest ones, so I am totally with you on that journey. I really want to get to a place where I can start to recover from these things, so maybe it will be good to know someone else is working on it too.

    I’m really looking forward to seeing more stuff from you in the future and would love to do other future collaborations with you in terms of writing or maybe even streaming? I’ve wanted to get into game streaming/recording for the past few years but its something I feel super anxious about so have never set it up properly so let me know if you want to do anything together. And, ofc, I’m aiming to get a visit in soon!! It won’t be until after April as I need my new annual leave to come through but definitely after then!


    1. Thanks for the kind words friend ❤ . I'm glad to hear that your health stuff is all going great and it's awesome that you're back in uni and on track 🙂 .

      And you don't have to explain to me about social expectations don't worry. People think we are capable of more because we've spent years perfecting our performance but that's all that it is sometimes, a performance.

      In regards to streaming/recording/collabs and stuff, that would be awesome! Just let me know what you want to try out and I'm sure we can arrange something.

      Liked by 1 person

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