Here We Go Again

“I wish I had a magic wand to make things better, but therapy doesn’t work that way.”

Lynn I. Wilson, The Flock: The Autobiography of a Multiple Personality

I’ve just come back to the top of this post to write this after realising how vague and down I’ve been writing this. Apologies for that. If you’re looking forward to a sensible/coherent take on this subject then you are in the wrong place. Sorry about that.

Trigger Warning

Contains topics relating to depression, anxiety, PTSD, suicidal thoughts and therapy.

Another Round Of Therapy

So a few weeks ago I wrote about being a bit scared going to my last appointment of this round of therapy. Well now I sit here after that appointment and just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m scared.

If you can’t guess from the sub-header of this site then I’ll let you know that I have Borderline Personality Disorder and it’s really not a fun housemate. I also have acute anxiety, chronic depression and PTSD so Imagine how fun I am at the moment. I think it goes without saying that after this round of therapy I’m in a bad place.

This is one of the major problems I’ve noticed with therapy over the years. While it’s going on I dread every appointment because I’ll feel like shit for the following few days, but on the other hand it’s also a kick in the teeth when it’s done. You sometimes can’t win.

I’ve been doing a round of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) to try to help with my feelings around PTSD and mood swings etc. The problem is that this just isn’t what I’m looking for or need at the moment. I’ve been told twice now that what I actually need is Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) which is what is used to treat personality disorders such as mine.

Now I don’t know the real difference between the two and I’m not in a place where I can look it up and type it out here so apologies for that. What I do know about DBT however is that it isn’t available on the NHS. So what now then? My violent mood swings, suicidal thoughts and all the other pleasantries that live in head, what do I do with them now?

I mentioned last time that the last appointment in the block was for “relapse prevention”. While most of the appointment was taken up with talk about DBT and other things I can’t have/afford I was basically told that I had some leaflets coming in the post. These documents haven’t arrived yet but I’m not holding out much hope.

For years now I’ve been stuck on this horrible see-saw of having therapy and waiting for therapy. I mean what do I do now? Do I sign myself up for another round of CBT just to be told it’s not for me at the end of it? Do I just try to live with the shit in my head and pray it doesn’t boil over?

I’m just fucking tired of all this shit. Who knows what the NHS will even look like after Brexit? Maybe I won’t even get the chance to do CBT again. God I’m being depressing.

I need to get back into the swing of things. I have barely played any games recently (and I love Video Games), I’ve barely done any writing (luckily I’m backed up a bit) and I’ve barely been taking care of myself. How my partner hasn’t killed me yet is anyone’s guess.

Sorry again for the really quite depressing post but I just wanted to vent more than anything. I just want to say that I love the NHS and in no way blame them for any of the shit above. We would be fucked without it.

Another Kick In The Balls

If you or anyone you know is struggling with mental health then please please please don’t suffer alone. Use the NHS service finder to find your local mental health services, ring the Samaritans or talk to your GP. One of the worst things about mental health problems is feeling that you are alone and if there’s one thing I can guarantee you, it’s that you’re not.

Thanks for reading and I’ll see you all next time. Until then, remember to take care of yourselves. Peace.


Bonus Video

At least Rick And Morty is coming back soon

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