Selfish Thoughts

“Suicide is man’s way of telling God, ‘You can’t fire me – I quit!”

Bill Maher


Trigger Warning

If the title and quote there didn’t tip you off, this post is gonna touch on some not nice topics. Suicidal thoughts, depression, PTSD and other not nice topics are going to be talked about below. You have been warned.

I also want to warn you about three things:

  1. This is not a suicide note, this is not me talking about killing myself and this is not about any plans I have to kill myself. This is about suicidal thoughts only (god it feels weird to categorise it as “only”).
  2. I apologise to anyone who finds that jokey quote up there. I look for quotes to use on this site at the start of these post things because I’m pretentious. That one is almost certainly not to everyone’s taste, but it did make me smile so I’ve used it.
  3. I will be calling myself selfish during this post. I am not saying that everyone that has suicidal thoughts is “selfish”. I don’t even necessarily believe I’m selfish for thinking some of the thoughts you will read. But it’s the feeling I have when I come down from these thoughts so it’s what I’m going with.

Regretting Something You’ll Know You’ll Do Again

Obviously the world is fucked at the moment. There’s a pandemic on, there’s wars looming on the horizon, certain governments around the world are oppressing their people and there’s riots in the streets. But in a corner of the UK a very overweight Welshman is sad. Why is he sad? Because he’s been really sad for a couple of weeks.

Depression is a horrible beast, for weeks now I’ve been thinking I’d be better off dead. Not that I should kill myself mind, but better off dead. There is a difference and people seem very afraid of talking about it, and I really get why.

When you tell someone that you wish you were better off dead, it is followed by a conversation to comfort the depressed person and that is fantastic (no sarcasm). But then this is usually followed by “please don’t do anything stupid”. And look, I really get why this is said, you are worried about your friend, relative or loved one. But they didn’t say I want to kill themselves or that they’re going to kill themselves, they just think they’d be better of dead.

I’m not great with words and I’m probably not getting across the thoughts I’d like to. Please don’t stop trying to help people with mental health problems, a network of people who love each other is one of the greatest things you can have in this fucked up world.

I just think there is a miscommunication sometimes, suicidal thoughts doesn’t mean you will kill yourself. It is so hard to get across why there is a difference and words are failing me but I hope some people are understanding.

I’ve been having horrible PTSD flashbacks and nightmares, there’s not been a lot of nights where I don’t end up crying and I’ve been avoiding going to the shop because I can’t trust myself not to just buy crap and stuff it into me, even I end up being sick because of it. Some of the thoughts I’ve had in my head recently would seriously (and rightfully so) worry anybody, especially the people that love me.

My grancher (grandfather for those unfortunate enough to not be Welsh) is currently dying, he has two types of cancer eating away at him. One of the strongest men I’ve ever known. He’s an ex-miner with lungs full of dust, his back is fucked, his hips are fucked, and his legs are fucked. I’ll be lucky if I ever see my grancher alive again, I was literally told this by my father yesterday and it had a strange effect on me.

Rather than feeling more sad, strangely I felt less sad. For weeks I’ve had these horrible thoughts in my head but that news woke me up to how “selfish” I was being. It’s funny what can “improve” your mood.

This post is all over the place and if I’m honest I can’t even remember a lot of the things I thought about writing into this. I just “it’s all over the place” again so maybe this is a good place to stop.

The point is, please please please take care of yourselves and your loved ones. The world is a shit show right now and the least we can do is try to be kind to each other.


If you or anyone you know is struggling with mental health then please please please don’t suffer alone. Use the NHS service finder to find your local mental health services, ring the Samaritans or talk to your GP. One of the worst things about mental health problems is feeling that you are alone and if there’s one thing I can guarantee you, it’s that you’re not.


Thank you for reading and until next time, look after yourselves. Peace.

LeighPouse


Bonus Video

This is one of my new favourite videos on the internet. Check out their channel, seriously.

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